Better Understanding my Sexuality

Put it Out There

I want this blog to be about any and all thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at times. The theme of this site is about all the thoughts bouncing around my head, so it wouldn’t be right to omit something just because it’s a little weird to talk about. Hell, maybe somebody might even relate to me.

Now…how do I say this? I guess let’s just throw it out there. Sexuality is an interesting thing, huh? Phew. Didn’t know it could feel this uncomfortable alone in my bed at midnight. Well, I’m used to being perpetually uncomfortable so let’s get on with it already.

Confusion

I’m a guy and, for the entirety of my life, I have always felt that I was only attracted to women. At 26 years old, that feels like an awfully long time, although some of those who are a bit older may say that I’m just getting started in life. Over the last two years, I have had a lot of time to think about things. There was a lot of free time to do other things as well. After doing plenty of surfing through reddit, It’s easy to stumble upon some, let’s call it “eye-catching imagery” (I need to calm down with all the italics). Sometimes you double back and keep looking at some things and tell yourself “I just know how to appreciate people who are in shape, regardless of gender” or “I’m just jealous of how they look. That’s why I keep looking. I just wanna be like them.” Well, after looking at the same tan, hairy chested man with a six pack over ten times, I would say it might be time to take a look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. It is not an easy task, let me tell you.

Acceptance

It can be hard to come to terms with something that has been made to seem negative your whole life. I’m not sure what to call myself. “Am I bi-curious, bi-sexual, or pan-sexual? Can a label even be put on it?” The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t really matter at all. There are some days where I feel like there might be some form of attraction to other men. Then there’s most days where my attraction to the female form seems like it could not be any stronger. At the end of the day, I think some people put way too much thought into stuff like this, and it can be overwhelming. Don’t feel bad for what your mind naturally thinks, appreciate that it finds beauty in another human being at all.

Of course I realize that, due to their upbringing, it’s not so easy for some people to come to terms with this sort of thing. That is a battle that they must overcome. I am not saying I can relate to them. I am simply stating some of the thoughts that bounce around my head from time to time. I’m in a loving relationship with my girlfriend and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just think it’s important to be comfortable with who you are. Life’s a lot easier that way.

Hope

I know that this was a simplified and short example of what discovering or uncovering one’s sexuality is like, but maybe someone has had the same experience. It’s also sort of relieving to let this out, even anonymously. To know that people other than my girlfriend know this about me is a great feeling. It means I’m putting it out there, even if you don’t know who I am.

Maybe no one will see this. But at least I can feel comfort in knowing that it’s out there and may bring someone comfort. Be yourself dude, or lady. I’m not saying to be a “loud and proud” type of person but get it in your mind that you are right to feel how you feel, and you’re not alone.

I’m right there along with you. Listen to your thoughts.

Stay weird.

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