Better Understanding my Sexuality

Put it Out There

I want this blog to be about any and all thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at times. The theme of this site is about all the thoughts bouncing around my head, so it wouldn’t be right to omit something just because it’s a little weird to talk about. Hell, maybe somebody might even relate to me.

Now…how do I say this? I guess let’s just throw it out there. Sexuality is an interesting thing, huh? Phew. Didn’t know it could feel this uncomfortable alone in my bed at midnight. Well, I’m used to being perpetually uncomfortable so let’s get on with it already.

Confusion

I’m a guy and, for the entirety of my life, I have always felt that I was only attracted to women. At 26 years old, that feels like an awfully long time, although some of those who are a bit older may say that I’m just getting started in life. Over the last two years, I have had a lot of time to think about things. There was a lot of free time to do other things as well. After doing plenty of surfing through reddit, It’s easy to stumble upon some, let’s call it “eye-catching imagery” (I need to calm down with all the italics). Sometimes you double back and keep looking at some things and tell yourself “I just know how to appreciate people who are in shape, regardless of gender” or “I’m just jealous of how they look. That’s why I keep looking. I just wanna be like them.” Well, after looking at the same tan, hairy chested man with a six pack over ten times, I would say it might be time to take a look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. It is not an easy task, let me tell you.

Acceptance

It can be hard to come to terms with something that has been made to seem negative your whole life. I’m not sure what to call myself. “Am I bi-curious, bi-sexual, or pan-sexual? Can a label even be put on it?” The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t really matter at all. There are some days where I feel like there might be some form of attraction to other men. Then there’s most days where my attraction to the female form seems like it could not be any stronger. At the end of the day, I think some people put way too much thought into stuff like this, and it can be overwhelming. Don’t feel bad for what your mind naturally thinks, appreciate that it finds beauty in another human being at all.

Of course I realize that, due to their upbringing, it’s not so easy for some people to come to terms with this sort of thing. That is a battle that they must overcome. I am not saying I can relate to them. I am simply stating some of the thoughts that bounce around my head from time to time. I’m in a loving relationship with my girlfriend and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just think it’s important to be comfortable with who you are. Life’s a lot easier that way.

Hope

I know that this was a simplified and short example of what discovering or uncovering one’s sexuality is like, but maybe someone has had the same experience. It’s also sort of relieving to let this out, even anonymously. To know that people other than my girlfriend know this about me is a great feeling. It means I’m putting it out there, even if you don’t know who I am.

Maybe no one will see this. But at least I can feel comfort in knowing that it’s out there and may bring someone comfort. Be yourself dude, or lady. I’m not saying to be a “loud and proud” type of person but get it in your mind that you are right to feel how you feel, and you’re not alone.

I’m right there along with you. Listen to your thoughts.

Stay weird.

Where is my Mind…

(Image credit: Shutterstock)

Man. I’m sure everyone else is just as tired of hearing about the pandemic as I am but I’ve learned a lot in the last two years. Maybe someone had the same experience and it gives them comfort in knowing my struggles. I know that helps me.

This pandemic has hit me hard. I moved out of my childhood home in August 2020 and I learned how poor my mental health could be when left in solitude with nothing more than my thoughts and the occasional distraction. I found out how angry, how depressed, and how anxious I could be. Our minds truly try to deceive us, at times. For a good year and a half, I could barely breathe. “Covid must have ravaged my lungs”, I thought. With my nasal passages closed tight and struggling to fill my lungs with oxygen, I believed it was a matter of time before I suffocated and my time on this earth was up. Although my supportive girlfriend was by my side, I couldn’t help but feel alone. That’s what being in your head all day is like. Around many but still all alone. I was experiencing anxiety attacks on, what felt like, a near everyday basis. Eating to quiet the thoughts and ease the anxiety only put a pause on the struggles and ,as a result, I became the unhealthiest version of myself that I had ever been. In January 2021, while in the midst of my nightly 2 am eating session to help me forget about my thoughts of inadequacy and breathlessness, I finally thought my time was up. This was not a panic attack I had ever felt before. “This is it. My lungs are giving out. It’s over.” I woke up my girlfriend from her sleep and asked her to take me to the hospital. After x-rays and bloodwork that spanned four to five hours and the anticipation of horrible news throughout that entire time, it was revealed to me by the doctor that my lungs were COMPLETELY and UTTERLY……fine. As was my bloodwork. I couldn’t believe it. Everything was in my mind. “How could you do this to me? How could I do this to me?” “Is there anyone else who has been feeling like this or am I still all alone!?” “This is anxiety? How do some people function with this s**t?” With the news that I was fine I could finally work to improve. And that’s where I’m at right now: Working to improve. I can’t help but feel that my mind betrayed me and I betrayed my body these last couple of years. If you’re in the same boat just know that all we can do now is work to improve.

Things are getting better. Maybe writing helps me. Maybe that’s why I finally got the cajones to start this blog. After the tremendous mental struggle I have had recently, I realize that struggles will always be present in life, but without having your head right, they become that much harder to tackle. Trouble with finances and trouble finding the “right career” are not as big of a deal as we make them out to be. If your mental health is right, good things will follow as long as you’re trying. Focus on you. Do what makes you happy. Don’t stop, no matter how often your mind tells you to do so. Show it who runs the show. It’s easy to give up. Trying is much more difficult. Challenge yourself. It’s more fun anyway.

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